I am not a good person

"You are such a good person." I have heard that phrase more times than I can count during our two adoption processes.  I know it comes from a good place and is meant to be a compliment.  But I just need you to know, I'm not.  I am NOT a good person.  I am a woman and mother who feels every fear, concern and worry that you think you would feel.  I am not immune to them.  I have ALL the feelings. And absolutely every single bit of the stress.  So why would I chose this path?

A few years ago, I  began praying that the Lord would fulfill the desires of my heart.  Not what I think I want, but what my soul yearns for.  How hilarious to me that He led me to this path!  Funny because I like order.  And quiet.  And reading.  And personal space. And clean toilets.  But God knows me better than I know myself.  He gave me a deep-placed desire for these children. The thought of adoption and orphan care seemed radical to me, but I knew it was a call placed by God on my life.  The more I prayed and studied, the more I thought, "why shouldn't I live radically?" Is there any better use of my time and my resources than this? Could I possibly find anything worth more of my life than loving on God's children?

So my husband and I made some life choices to begin saving.  Nine years ago he started a second full time job.  I was still working full time.  We did not increase our spending and put over two years of his new salary away.  We paid down all debt except for our house.  Then I left my job and pulled the children out of private school.  We budget.  We scrimp.  We do low-cost vacations.  We rarely eat out. We skip travel ball.  We buy used clothes or clearance items a season ahead.  We do hand-me-downs. And I regret none of it.  My children's lives are still rich.  My job as a parent is not to provide my children with all the things they want.  My sole responsibility is to help them grow up to look like Jesus.  I want them to be willing to do whatever He asks and go wherever He leads.  Now mind you, I  fail every single day.  I get busy and skip devotions.  I get hangry.  Oh, so hangry.  I hide in my room in a Mommy Time Out.  I squint my eyes and grit my teeth in anger.  I fail.  But Grace.  Thankfully my role isn't to be perfect.  I could never attain that.  I simply want my children, at the end of my life,  to know I lived for Jesus.

Another thing I hear is how lucky these boys are for us to be their family.  Please know, they are not.  They were abandoned.  Maybe it was forced on their birth parents by a rigid government or by a financial situation that would not allow them to take care of the boys' medical needs.  But there was a loss.  The birth parents are losing a life with these precious sweethearts.  All the kisses.  All the cuddles.  The boys will miss out on a life with parents who look like them.  They will lose their language, their citizenship and their culture.  As much as we will try to maintain these things for them, it will never be the same.  We are not God's perfect plan for them.  We are second best.

All are not called to adopt, but you can still be a part of orphan care.  You can foster, become certified to provide respite for foster parents, mentor a child from a hard place, build relationships in a homeless camp, pay for a well to be dug for clean drinking water, donate to an adoptive family, help with fundraisers, babysit their children, sponsor a child, etc.  There are opportunities if you look around you.  Speaking of that....I know you think we are about to become parents to 7 children.  But really we will be parents to 10!!!  Here are our sweet sponsored children:

Asafu from Rwanda.  She turned 4 last week!

Joy from Bangladesh.  He turned 7 last week!

Feng Wei from China.  She will turn 14 next month!

I pray for these children and send them cards and photos.  I love them because God does.  I do not want them to have to settle for second best.  I want God's plan to win over poverty.  So we sponsor them.

It is easy to memorize scriptures and to know what the Bible says.  It is so much harder to obey.  As a body of believers, we often hear and ignore the command that we should care for "the least of these". We think we don't have enough financially.  Or the time.  Or the patience.  Each time we ignore the opportunity for obedience, our heart hardens more toward that command. We become apathetic.

I do not want you who are reading this blog to be satisfied by a captivating story.  I want you to be bold and courageous enough to ask God for a story of your own.  Not just hearers of the Word but doers also.  My personal goal for my story is that God would be glorified and others drawn to Him through the testimony of our family.  

I love you all.  Pray for us as we continue to work on our medical expedite and the rest of the fundraising and paperwork!